Comedy

Strangest Search Terms 2: May – December

Back in April, I took a look at some of the stranger search terms to lead to my blog.
I’ve decided to do the same again…

jordan rhodes yorkshireman

I think everyone from Yorkshire introduces themselves in that way.

chinless will

I get a few hits for ‘chinless’ because of a Walking Dead still I yoinked from somewhere, but I’m still surprised at the number of people who search for the word ‘chinless’.

lego evacuation of dunkirk

I don’t think we really did enough to get all the lego pieces out of occupied France. God rest their souls.

michael bay is awful

I’m pleased to see that this seems to be getting a few hits.

chinless person

As I’ve said, this is a fairly common search term.

do you like my crits yes they’re natural

Less so.

hulk share lyriks bruno mars iwanna be biilion

Hulk no more smash, Hulk reformed man. Hulk share lyrics to amusing songs!

robot asimov

There’s nothing strange about this term, given how much he wrote about robots (and invented a fairly ingenious Three Laws of Robotics). But it gave me the idea of Isaac Asimov living on in a robot body, which I think is pretty cool.

bruno mars wealth says he’s a billionaire

And if he’s not, he’s a dirty liar. Everyone should be held accountable for the things they say in songs. Bob Marley died without serving his life sentence, but there’s still time to lock up Tom Jones.

bride prostitute

Is this intended as a feminist statement, marriage, is like prostitution, that kind of thing?

travie mccoy write his own music!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That depends what you mean by ‘write’. I’m fairly sure he’ll have transcribed his music at some point.

warwick davis seems nice

Glad I’m not the only one to think so. Despite some noticeably artificial and predictable plot twists, and a few characters who don’t act like any humans, a worrying number of people seem to have thought Life’s Too Short was a documentary.

gilf

Think about that.

pauos porno

Earlier in the year, I got hits for ‘smokink pauos lesbies kom’, which I noted sounded a bit like mis-spelt dirty words. Is this more of the same?

mel brooks on how i met your mother

I’ve got tags for both of these, and I’ve had a few hits for the pair combined – I really liked the episode of Mad About You he guest starred in, and his film work is genius.
I really want to see him guest star on HIMYM, and I’m sad that this doesn’t exist yet.

baseball square

I used this as a joke in a review of Moneyball – glad to see I wasn’t accidentally being original.

lego man doing coke

The idea amused me, so I did an image search, but couldn’t find anything. Disturbingly, one of the suggestions was ‘lego man doing a poo’.
I didn’t click on that.

who does matthew briggs talk to on twitter

I talk to him occasionally. Apparently he’s either got a stalker, or an overprotective mother.

samuel johnson quote “no manbut a blockhead ever wrotebut formoney.”

Unlike me you’ve got the quote right. You may want to put a few spaces in though.

cleveland show zombie

Is that because it lurches on when by all logic it should have been dead long ago?

fc blog women in boyfriend google search

I’m trying to figure out if ‘women in boyfriend’ is meant to be dirty.
But it’s not necessary to type ‘google search’ into the google search bar.

events 2012 mk dons jehovah’s witnesses

Well, crowds at MK Dons FC are only growing gradually, so going door to door could be the next option.

rev adam smallbone fanfiction

Rev. is absolutely fantastic, probably the best downbeat ‘Office’ style realist comedy in the past few years. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s inspired a bit of fanfiction.

citizen khan fanfiction

Oh, please God, no.

lifes too short to fall out meaning

Well…it means that life is relatively short, so it’s a waste to spend it mad at people you like.
Though if you didn’t find it self-explanatory, I’m not sure that my explanation will be all that helpful…

episode of how i met your mother where ross kisses rachel

There’s a few searches that seem to be riffs on ‘Friends and How I met your Mother are the same show’ but this is probably my favourite.

don’t tell me to be quiet

Wow – that might actually be someone specifically searching for my writing! I’m probably more flattered by that than I should be…

denofgeek.com the batman offside

If Batman does play football, I doubt he’d be caught offside. He probably has something on his utility belt to prevent it.

sitcom slippers

Is that slippers to be worn while watching a sitcom?
Or has someone tried to search for something they saw on TV, and tried to narrow it down by adding that they saw it on a sitcom?

4 person sack race

Is that a sack race between four people, or four people in the same sack trying to jump forward at the same time? If it’s the latter, it’s something I’d like to see.

messi was stalked by fabio capello

I quite like the mental image of Fabio Capello sneaking round the bushes after little Leo Messi. He’ll have to hope Messi doesn’t have a sudden burst of pace.

analyze friends epidsodes

I’ve analysed one in the past and intend to analyse more Friends epidsodes at some point soon.

the real billie bean

I’m not sure who this is, but she’s not my lover.

“used her beauty to”my pet” “beg me”

??

how much is graham westley money worth

I’m not quite sure on this, but his family had a pretty successful business, which he built up further in a break between being a footballer and a football manager. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s worth a few million.

followup to afrika reich by guy saville?

There’s a few searches along this line – Guy Saville is writing a sequel, though I’ve tried to steer clear of specific details. If you want them, he seems to update his facebook page pretty regularly.

citizen khan funny

We’ll have to agree to disagree there.

snyder’s beat sheet does it work for tv

I can’t see why not, but I’ve not looked at any specific episodes yet. The difference would be that, with TV, you already know the characters and the basic set-up at the beginning, so there’s no need to go through all the steps.

what dose a real devil

The devil would use the wrong dose, either so it does nothing, or does too much. Satan’s a meanie like that.

difference between all is lost and dark knight of the soul beat sheet

In ‘All is lost’, the hero realises something really bad has happened, the ground has been whipped out from under them. In the latter section, the hero is moping, lost, unsure how to recover from what’s just happened.
Though I do love the idea of ‘dark knight’ of the soul.

anthemion storylines software review

I’ve not written a review for this, and I don’t know where there is one. But Anthemion Storylines (which I got as part of Writer’s Cafe) basically runs on the idea of arranging plot points in a story you’re writing, with each plot point on a post-it note. But with Storylines being a computer programme, you can put things away safely, rearrange the order of ideas to see what works better, safe in the knowledge you can easily change it back. I find it useful.

does edgar david play for tranmere rovers

No, but Eugene Dadi, a muscular and dreadlocked forward who looks fairly similar, did… a lot longer ago than I remembered, actually.
Edgar Davids plays, and manages, Barnet – the Football League’s bottom side.

is asimov’s story eyes do more than see in public domain

I wouldn’t have thought so – in Britain rights stay with the author’s estate until 70 years after death, and I’d assume there’s something similar in America.

episode of men behaving badly when the blender

When the blender does what? I need to know!

dan snyder beat sheet

It’s actually Blake Snyder’s beat sheet – Dan Snyder is the director.
My main point of reference to Dan Snyder is Mark Kermode’s impression of him, so that idea amused me a bit. Also, I realised when I was searching for the video that Dan Snyder is actually called Zack Snyder, and Dan Snyder owns the Washington Redskins. They’re a talented family, the Snyders.

ross and rachel take a break opinions

I’m entirely on Rachel’s side. And not just because she’s pretty.

i am gulliver who has landed in the strange india of lilliput write a diary entry expressing feelings

The original opening to Gulliver’s Travels was perhaps a little too literal.

barnet fc+debt

Equals relegation, probably.

jonathan swift flows have little flows

This sounds almost like a zen riddle.

warick davis is a dick!

He always seems really decent in interviews, and has a similar reputation. Still, his character in Life’s Too Short is very punchable.

 

That’ll do for now, I think.

Comedy

Overthinking Song Lyrics: I Wanna Be a Billionaire

I have a habit of listening to individual lines in pop songs, and putting way more thought into them than the songwriter can possibly have done. Kind and generous benefactor that I am, I’ve decided to share this with the world.

If you own a radio or know someone who does, you’ll have heard Billionaire, by Bruno Mars and Travis ‘Travie’ McCoy, a few hundred times last year.

Bruno Mars is one of those singers I’m aware of enough to be sure he’s apparently a big deal, but not be sure what he’s sang. And frankly I don’t care enough to look. But he is associated with a songwriting and production team called The Smeezingtons. Just putting that out there as a statement of fact.

And Travis ‘Travie’ McCoy… If the fact he’s known as Travie isn’t enough to tell you that he’s super-cool, he’s also the lead singer of Gym Class Heroes. They’re the band who recorded Cupid’s Chokehold, which used the chorus from Breakfast in America, and Clothes Off!! which, hilariously, takes a song about love being deeper than sex, and reverses it. Gym Class Heroes don’t care about you as people, girls!

Basically, Travis ‘Travie’ ‘Macca’ McCoy is a man who’s taken Vanilla Ice’s one idea, and mass produced it into a career.

Okay, that’s not totally fair. Travis ‘Travie’ ‘Macca’ McCoy also raps, and presumably writes his own raps. The main quality of which is that he raps quickly and mumbles a little, so that it’s often hard to make out what he’s saying.

Lyrics taken from Lyricsmania.com

[Bruno Mars]
I wanna be a billionaire so fricking bad
     First up, I love anyone who uses the word ‘fricking‘. Adorable.
Buy all of the things I never had
     That’s… a lot of things.
Uh, I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine
     Sure, that’s one part of being rich
Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen
     On the same cover?  That’s an impressive photoshoot.

[Chorus]
Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my name in shining lights
     You might want to get that looked at.
A different city every night oh
     You realise billionaires generally don’t go on tour?
I swear the world better prepare
For when I’m a billionaire
     That sounds… a little sinister

[Travis “Travie” McCoy]
Yeah I would have a show like Oprah
     You realise she’s the only billionaire with a TV show?
I would be the host of, everyday Christmas
     Or do you actually want to be Oprah?
Give Travie a wish list
     Or Santa?
I’d probably pull an Angelina and Brad Pitt
And adopt a bunch of babies that ain’t never had sh-t
     Ah, babies with extreme constipation. Glad to see someone’s looking out for them.
Give away a few Mercedes like here lady have this
     Yes, we’re all aware of the concept of ‘giving’
And last but not least grant somebody their last wish
     You realise it’s their last wish before they die? 
Its been a couple months since I’ve single so
     You can do it more than once.
You can call me Travie Claus minus the Ho Ho
     Oh. He actually does want to be Santa.
Get it, hehe, I’d probably visit where Katrina hit
     Snickering at prostitute jokes to talking about natural disasters…
And damn sure do a lot more than FEMA did
     And political commentary!
Yeah can’t forget about me stupid
     Hey! That’s uncalled for!
Everywhere I go Imma have my own theme music
     Why don’t any real billionaires do that?

[Chorus]
Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my name in shining lights
     Seriously, I’d be worried about that.
A different city every night oh
     Billionaires on tour. Yep.
I swear the world better prepare
For when I’m a billionaire
     Just to be sure, are either of these two people voiced by Albert Brooks?
Oh oooh oh oooh for when I’m a Billionaire
     Because if they are, it may be worthwhile putting in the work to shut them down now…
Oh oooh oh oooh for when I’m a Billionaire
     Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

[Travis “Travie” McCoy]
I’ll be playing basketball with the President
     Is it still Obama in this fantasy?
Dunking on his delegates
     Cos I don’t see Rick Santorum or Hillary Clinton playing basketball
Then I’ll compliment him on his political etiquette
     What do you mean by ‘political etiquette?
Toss a couple milli in the air just for the heck of it
     Do you mean ‘being easily bribed by the one percent’?
But keep the fives, twentys completely separate
     Who are incredibly blatant about it?
And yeah I’ll be in a whole new tax bracket
     Well, everything has a downside.
We in recession but let me take a crack at it
     Well, you do sound pretty intelligent.
I’ll probably take whatevers left and just split it up
     Socialism! Boo! Hiss!
So everybody that I love can have a couple bucks
     That’s… probably not the best way to invest a billion.
And not a single tummy around me would know what hungry was
     Travie will force them to eat non-stop!
Eating good sleeping soundly
     While food is pumped in with an IV drip
I know we all have a similar dream
     You mean the one where you’re falling and it just won’t stop?
Go in your pocket pull out your wallet
     I’m pretty sure there’s not a billion in there
And put it in the air and sing
     Wait, is this all some elaborate con?

[Bruno Mars]
I wanna be a billionaire so fricking bad
     You sound like not being megarich is physically painful to you.
Buy all of the things I never had
Uh, I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine
     Is standing next to Oprah Winfrey really what appeals to you?
Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen
     Maybe you’ve got a crush on her?
[Chorus]
I wanna be a billionaire so frickin bad!
     Or the queen. She is quite foxy, in a GILF way.