Comedy, FootballOpinion

New Links!

A couple of new links, to things that have been published over the last two days.

I’ve written for Wearegoingup.co.uk, a Football League website, about Hartlepool United’s bad start to the season and recent turnaround. If you’ve not been following Pools (you should have been) the first three or four months were consistently awful. Hartlepool sunk to the bottom of League One, with only a single win, and relegation seemed inevitable. But Hartlepool are now one of the division’s form teams, and seem to have half a chance of survival.

You can read my thoughts at We Are Going Up – Fighting Spirit Restored at Victoria Park

 

Meanwhile, Bornoffside.net have published John Nutter’s Month in Football, which may be the ramblings of an idiot, or which may be me writing in character with the intent of creating laughter.
John Nutter, like all of us who watch football, has opinions on the game. Problem is, he’s not the brightest.

It’d make him happy if you click the link and read John Nutter’s Month in Football

Comedy

Overthinking Song Lyrics: I Wanna Be a Billionaire

I have a habit of listening to individual lines in pop songs, and putting way more thought into them than the songwriter can possibly have done. Kind and generous benefactor that I am, I’ve decided to share this with the world.

If you own a radio or know someone who does, you’ll have heard Billionaire, by Bruno Mars and Travis ‘Travie’ McCoy, a few hundred times last year.

Bruno Mars is one of those singers I’m aware of enough to be sure he’s apparently a big deal, but not be sure what he’s sang. And frankly I don’t care enough to look. But he is associated with a songwriting and production team called The Smeezingtons. Just putting that out there as a statement of fact.

And Travis ‘Travie’ McCoy… If the fact he’s known as Travie isn’t enough to tell you that he’s super-cool, he’s also the lead singer of Gym Class Heroes. They’re the band who recorded Cupid’s Chokehold, which used the chorus from Breakfast in America, and Clothes Off!! which, hilariously, takes a song about love being deeper than sex, and reverses it. Gym Class Heroes don’t care about you as people, girls!

Basically, Travis ‘Travie’ ‘Macca’ McCoy is a man who’s taken Vanilla Ice’s one idea, and mass produced it into a career.

Okay, that’s not totally fair. Travis ‘Travie’ ‘Macca’ McCoy also raps, and presumably writes his own raps. The main quality of which is that he raps quickly and mumbles a little, so that it’s often hard to make out what he’s saying.

Lyrics taken from Lyricsmania.com

[Bruno Mars]
I wanna be a billionaire so fricking bad
     First up, I love anyone who uses the word ‘fricking‘. Adorable.
Buy all of the things I never had
     That’s… a lot of things.
Uh, I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine
     Sure, that’s one part of being rich
Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen
     On the same cover?  That’s an impressive photoshoot.

[Chorus]
Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my name in shining lights
     You might want to get that looked at.
A different city every night oh
     You realise billionaires generally don’t go on tour?
I swear the world better prepare
For when I’m a billionaire
     That sounds… a little sinister

[Travis “Travie” McCoy]
Yeah I would have a show like Oprah
     You realise she’s the only billionaire with a TV show?
I would be the host of, everyday Christmas
     Or do you actually want to be Oprah?
Give Travie a wish list
     Or Santa?
I’d probably pull an Angelina and Brad Pitt
And adopt a bunch of babies that ain’t never had sh-t
     Ah, babies with extreme constipation. Glad to see someone’s looking out for them.
Give away a few Mercedes like here lady have this
     Yes, we’re all aware of the concept of ‘giving’
And last but not least grant somebody their last wish
     You realise it’s their last wish before they die? 
Its been a couple months since I’ve single so
     You can do it more than once.
You can call me Travie Claus minus the Ho Ho
     Oh. He actually does want to be Santa.
Get it, hehe, I’d probably visit where Katrina hit
     Snickering at prostitute jokes to talking about natural disasters…
And damn sure do a lot more than FEMA did
     And political commentary!
Yeah can’t forget about me stupid
     Hey! That’s uncalled for!
Everywhere I go Imma have my own theme music
     Why don’t any real billionaires do that?

[Chorus]
Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my name in shining lights
     Seriously, I’d be worried about that.
A different city every night oh
     Billionaires on tour. Yep.
I swear the world better prepare
For when I’m a billionaire
     Just to be sure, are either of these two people voiced by Albert Brooks?
Oh oooh oh oooh for when I’m a Billionaire
     Because if they are, it may be worthwhile putting in the work to shut them down now…
Oh oooh oh oooh for when I’m a Billionaire
     Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

[Travis “Travie” McCoy]
I’ll be playing basketball with the President
     Is it still Obama in this fantasy?
Dunking on his delegates
     Cos I don’t see Rick Santorum or Hillary Clinton playing basketball
Then I’ll compliment him on his political etiquette
     What do you mean by ‘political etiquette?
Toss a couple milli in the air just for the heck of it
     Do you mean ‘being easily bribed by the one percent’?
But keep the fives, twentys completely separate
     Who are incredibly blatant about it?
And yeah I’ll be in a whole new tax bracket
     Well, everything has a downside.
We in recession but let me take a crack at it
     Well, you do sound pretty intelligent.
I’ll probably take whatevers left and just split it up
     Socialism! Boo! Hiss!
So everybody that I love can have a couple bucks
     That’s… probably not the best way to invest a billion.
And not a single tummy around me would know what hungry was
     Travie will force them to eat non-stop!
Eating good sleeping soundly
     While food is pumped in with an IV drip
I know we all have a similar dream
     You mean the one where you’re falling and it just won’t stop?
Go in your pocket pull out your wallet
     I’m pretty sure there’s not a billion in there
And put it in the air and sing
     Wait, is this all some elaborate con?

[Bruno Mars]
I wanna be a billionaire so fricking bad
     You sound like not being megarich is physically painful to you.
Buy all of the things I never had
Uh, I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine
     Is standing next to Oprah Winfrey really what appeals to you?
Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen
     Maybe you’ve got a crush on her?
[Chorus]
I wanna be a billionaire so frickin bad!
     Or the queen. She is quite foxy, in a GILF way.

Comedy

The Phantom Menace? In Three Dimensions? Wow!

I’m going to do something I’ve been planning to for a while – recommend some videos.
I still don’t really know what I’m doing here with the blog, so I’m throwing everything at the wall in the hope that some things stick.

The first is from ‘Honest Trailers’ – they do alternate trailers for films that are…well, more honest.
This is from the 3d release of The Phantom Menace. It’s decent, with one or two good jokes (mainly later on), but not hilarious.

Continue reading “The Phantom Menace? In Three Dimensions? Wow!”