Comedy

The Leaky Wiki: Developing World Objects to The Label ‘Developing World’, Finds it Patronising

Continuing my effort to repost all my material from The Leaky Wiki, the latest post is from January 2012. It’s not particularly topical, and if I’m honest, it’s not one of my best, but as it’s not topical at all, it’s aged well. I think that’s lowered expectations sufficently.

You can see this in it’s original context here, or carry on reading.

Developing World Objects to The Label ‘Developing World’, Finds it Patronising

UN_General_Assembly_hall by Patrick Gruban       Taken from Wikimedia CommonsIn a staggeringly short five hour speech at the UN yesterday, the ambassador from the recently re-named Developmentistan criticised the terminology used in defining the wealth of nations.
“It is about time you know how we feel about you in the west,” he announced from the podium, speaking in that unusual manner where individual syllables were pronounced slowly and slightly oddly, as people of his nation do. “You are so full of yourselves! Oh, we have reached a good point, you aren’t as good as us, and must be arbitrarily judged by our standards at any given moment. I mean, give me a break!” He paused dramatically, and wiped the sweat away from his brow. “You still have children dying in poverty, despite having the medication right there in your own country. How about you get down off your high horses, and realise that we are people too, just like you? Wouldn’t that be a nice thing to do?”

The country was renamed Developmentistan last month, in what has been widely construed as some sort of sarcastic jibe taken too far. Many media commentators have pointed out that roadsigns, hospitals and airports will have to be renamed and relabelled, at massive expense.

Sarcasm analysts believe this is the most expensive sarcasm related incident since a producer on the set of Waterworld angrily joked ‘why don’t we put Costner in charge? After all he’s a BRILLIANT director! He did SUCH a good job on The Postman!’

“At least when you called us the ‘Third World’ you were honest about how you saw us,” continued the ambassador, as he drew towards the end of his five hour speech, remarkably short by UN standards. “At least that was good, honest condesencion. We knew where we stood with that kind of attitude! We knew that you saw our society as inferior not only to your own, but to the communists who sent millions of their citizens to death camps! But now… Now….” He paused, looking very slowly around the hall, as if he was perhaps trying to make eye contact with each of his fellow ambassadors, perhaps to induce feelings of guilt in them. “Exactly what makes a country developed? Hmm?’ He paused, once more. “I bet you don’t even know where my country is, do you?”

Comedy

The Leaky Wiki: Rick Perry speaks out against women, friendship in the military

America can be a scary place. In America, corporations are considered to be people, people who speak via the medium of money, and are allowed to refuse to pay for their employees’ healthcare for religious reasons.

It’s also a country where, in 2012, a major Republican politician, while running for President, could say that gays are weird, on camera, on purpose, and expect it to help rather than hinder his challenge for president.

Scarier still, he was probably right.

Continue reading “The Leaky Wiki: Rick Perry speaks out against women, friendship in the military”

Comedy

The Leaky Wiki: Keith Olbermann’s Wife Forces Him to Help out Around the House, Named as ‘Worst Person in the World’

Reading satire written years before, it turns out, can mean that what was once topical is no longer memorable.

Do you remember what Current TV was? Probably not. There’s a decent chance you don’t recognise Keith Olbermann, who, to a British audience is probably best described as a real world equivalent of The Newsroom’s Will McAvoy. You can view a sample of his work on youtube – he later left MSNBC to start a new news channel, which is where I (fictionally) came in.

Continue reading “The Leaky Wiki: Keith Olbermann’s Wife Forces Him to Help out Around the House, Named as ‘Worst Person in the World’”

Comedy

The Leaky Wiki: Leading Tea Party member sceptical over the existence of ‘America’.

As previously mentioned, I’m currently re-uploading the pieces of satire I wrote for The Leaky Wiki following that site’s demise. The whole project is inspired either by vanity (that people NEED to be able to see the jokes I wrote over two years ago) or laziness (why should I go to the trouble of writing new material?) but both are good reasons.

The latest re-upload (which you can see in its original context via the Wayback Machine) was originally published in December 2011, and makes fun of those silly Colonials, who think that you brew tea in a harbour.

Leading Tea Party member sceptical over the existence of ‘America’.

Boston_Tea_Party by WD Cooper Uploaded by Cornischong              Taken from Wikimedia CommonsJoe T. Plumber, one of the leading organisers of the Tea Party, has today expressed his disbelief over the existence of America.
“I’ve been skeptical over President Obama’s birth certificate for a while,” he revealed in an exclusive sit-down interview.
“After all, you can’t blindly believe everything you’re told. Yes, there may be masses of legal documentation, a birth announcement in the local Hawaiian newspaper at the time, and witnesses who remember him as a young boy.” admitted Plumber.
“But, even given all that, it could be some kind of con – his father would want him to be involved in the greatest nation on Earth. And, how do we know he’s not playing a long-con, like in those Ocean’s films? How do we know he’s not a Kenyan Muslim terrorist bent on destroying America? You can never be too safe.”

Plumber is a man who loves America, so much so that he regularly dresses in cowboy boots, shirts in the colours and patterns of the American flag, and similar patriotic apparel. Plumber, formerly Michael Edwards, renamed himself when he first took an interest in politics in January 2009, choosing the name of his favourite Founding Father.

“All of that got me thinking – what else am I not sure about? People say we put a man on the moon – but we just have to take NASA’s word for it. It’s not like we can go up there to look about, is it?”
This uber-patriot was now in full flow, giving an argument he had clearly had to give many times before, given the opposition to his line of argument.
“In fact, the more and more I thought about it, the whole American revolution thing started to seem a bit iffy. I mean, think about it – a young nation stands up to the greatest empire in the world – and wins? That’s just the kind of crap Hollywood would make up. Sure, there’s loads of documentation, thousands of books and articles written about the events – but all that exists for Obama as well!
“In fact, how do I know you’re not a lizard man, part of a vast conspiracy that secretly runs the world? I bet you can’t disprove that right now, can you? Here, let me cut your face off.”

It was shortly after this point that I decided I had all the quotes I needed for the story, and left, with only minimal scarring to my face.

Comedy

The Leaky Wiki: 2022 Qatar World Cup NOT Chosen as a Result of Bribery

The Leaky Wiki, a satirical website which I wrote for between 2011 and 2013, eventually fell apart, somehow unable to make huge profits despite internet sarcasm being in high demand and low supply.

Using the Wayback Machine I’ve combed through the wreckage, recovering what was mine, which I’ll re-publish here on my blog in the coming weeks and months.

My first piece for The Leaky Wiki came back in November 2011, a distant time, very different from today, when there were questions about why Qatar had been chosen to host the 2022 World Cup. It’s like another lifetime entirely.

 

Qatar World Cup NOT Chosen as a Result of Bribery, Leaked Emails Show

2014_FIFA_Announcement_(Joseph_Blatter)_6 by Marcello Casal Jr.                Taken from Wikimedia CommonsShocking emails have been leaked today, which show that Qatar was chosen as host of the 2022 World Cup, not because of bribery, as had been previously widely assumed, but because FIFA delegates genuinely believed them to be the best choice as host.

Critics have pointed out that the bid was plagued with problems as Qatar had no existing football infrastructure, and the heat regularly reaches fifty degrees Celsius in the summer. Sepp Blatter even announced that they may play games indoors, and alternately may move the whole competition forward to January.

‘It just made sense that Qatar was chosen because of bribery,’ commented one leading Premier League footballer, who asked to remain anonymous. ‘I mean, I’m no brain cutting person, I struggle to keep track of which Page 3 girl I’m banging. But even I know that when choosing the hosts, it makes sense to make sure the players will be able to stand up during matches.’

These new revelations have shaken what little faith there was in an organisation that has elected Sepp Blatter as it’s president 4 times, with many administrators wondering why Qatar would be chosen were it not for financial self-interest.

‘Qatar has no football history or infrastructure,’ said one leading English FA administrator. ‘I’m the guy who keeps suggesting we put David Beckham forward as part of our bid teams, despite his sounding like a ten year old girl, and not a very bright one at that. But even I can’t understand how the delegates can be so stupid. We had all thought that the fact that we were promised more votes than we received for our bid was a betrayal, but I’m starting to think that the delegates didn’t realise our ‘donations’ to their domestic football programmes were meant to be an implied bribe. Honestly, I have no idea how you’d work with that kind of person.’

In related news, other emails leaked at the same time reveal Saudi Arabia to be a frontrunner to host the 2023 Women’s World Cup.

Egotism

I’m Back!

Remember me?

For a variety of reasons, I’ve put the blog on hold for a while, not managing to find the time to write anywhere online for the past four months, and only writing fiction irregularly. The reasons include university work, trying to organise a short film, and doing research and plotting for both a series of short stories and a screenplay. One of the initial themes I had planned for this blog was to write about my writing process, which I intend to do more from now on.

All writers are frustrated by their own incompetence.
All writers are frustrated by their own incompetence.

There’s also a bunch of things that I literally haven’t done for more than a year – looking at story structure of old films, in depth analyses of specific episodes of TV shows, so on, as well as reviews and the like. I’ve done more research than writing recently, and I’ve missed the satisfaction from getting things finished.

Continue reading “I’m Back!”

Comedy, FootballOpinion, Review

Things What I Have Wrote

I’m now catching upon links to my articles elsewhere.

I’ve reviewed Paul Watson’s Up Pohnpei for BornOffside. He was a freelance football journalist, working for Football Italia amongst others, when he decided to apply for the manager’s position at the small Micronesian nation of Pohnpei, where the organisation was roughly at Sunday League level.
It’s a really interesting story, and you can read my review of his Micronesian adventure here.

Due to commitments elsewhere, I missed a week of The Lower League Week on BornOffside. Instead, last week I submitted a double dose, The Lower League Fortnight.
The Lower League Fortnight – The Up and Down Edition

I also wrote for The Leaky Wiki about Robin Gibb’s recovery from illness, and the potential it provides for puns:
Robin Gibb Staying Alive

I’ve fell behind with my blogging in recent weeks, but I intend to blog more regularly in the coming weeks – this should keep you going for now.

Comedy

Every Little Helps

Ah, Tesco. The biggest supermarket in Britain and still growing, you set up new branches regardless of whether you’re wanted, and now, with the economic troubles setting in, you have to take on unpaid jobseekers just to maintain your position as an ultraprofitable company.

What else will you do to increase your profitability to ever more unimaginable levels?

Get involved in slavery!

Comedy

This is What Happens When Things Get Into the Public Domain

Sherlock Holmes is one of the classic characters of literature, and as such, has had his adventures turned into TV and movies, so people can share his adventures without all that pesky reading.

In fact, he’s suddenly so popular, that several franchises have taken advantage of Holmes being a public domain figure and produced alternate versions. There’s Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss’ BBC TV version, Guy Ritchie’s films, and now a CBS TV series starring Jonny Lee Miller and Lucy Liu.
Yes, really, that is an actual thing.

Over at The Leaky Wiki, I’ve uncovered the long term plans for the character:
Every Actor in The World to Play Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson

Comedy

What Would You Do With a Dead Maggie Thatcher?

My latest article is up at The Leaky Wiki.
Margaret Thatcher is not necessarily the most popular person in the country, particularly amongst liberals and the working class.
However, with the attention brought from a new Oscar winning biopic, there’s been more talk about her legacy in recent months.
Despite the negativity surrounding her, she is widely respected by many, mainly conservatives who see her as being a strong leader who steered the nation through difficult times. I’ve tried to write a balanced article to reflect this.

Half of British Public want Thatcher to have a State Funeral, Other Half Just Want Her to be Dead

How’s that for fair and balanced?