As we enter 2018, here are a few predictions for the year ahead…
Donald Trump will be recorded on tape asking an aide if Narnia is a real place, and if “that’s where Islam comes from”. The White House’s official line will be that Trump was joking.
Ed Sheeran will release a bland and inoffensive acoustic song which will somehow infuriate half the planet.
Britain First’s Paul Golding and Jayda Fransen will break into a mosque and set Sikhs on fire in the street. When convicted of attempted murder they will release a statement criticising a ‘dangerous PC culture’ which makes it ‘impossible to stand up against foreign invaders’, ‘even when they look a bit brown’.
Trailers for the new Han Solo film will infuriate fans by introducing two new characters who previously didn’t have their own Wookiepedia page.
Manchester City will win the Premier League with a record 100 points. Jose Mourinho will say that Manchester City’s budget is solely responsible, and demand Manchester United break the world transfer record again. Manchester United finish fifth.
Speaking to the United Nations, Donald Trump will threaten a nuclear strike against the Burger King, and ask why he still hasn’t done anything to curb the menace of the Hamburglar. His aides will deny rumours of Alzheimers.
Theresa May will be replaced as Prime Minister by Jacob Rees-Mogg, on the basis that he seems to have confidence that he knows what he’s doing. Rees-Mogg’s first act as PM will be to scrap decimal currency and reintroduce the farthing.
Nigel Farage will watch the FA Cup final alone in his kitchen.
The best picture Oscar will be won by That New Sound, a film about how rock’n’roll was invented in one night, by a random white guy who no-one’s heard of.
Harold Windsor and Meghan Markle will marry. When Barack Obama is seen in the crowd Donald Trump will threaten a nuclear strike against England. Nigel Farage will watch the televised coverage alone in his kitchen, and tweet to ask why he hasn’t been made a princess, given all that he’s done in service of his country.
During an unrelated civil lawsuit Donald Trump Junior will produce – from within his hair – evidence that he conspired with Russia to spread untruthful propaganda. Mike Pence will be sworn in as 46th US President.
Mike Pence’s first action as US President will be to introduce a law saying that no woman can be alone with a man in the workplace, for their own protection. Within days, the levels of female employment decrease dramatically. Fox News and Sean Hannity celebrate the new law as ‘a major feminist victory’.
Legal papers will reveal that Fox News and Sean Hannity have paid more than $200m in sexual harassment lawsuits. After Hannity resigns his position at Fox News, his supporters will attack his admission as ‘fake news’ and attack Hannity for being part of the ‘lamestream media’.
US President Mike Pence will resign when it’s revealed that he knew about Russian plans to interfere in the Presidential election. Paul Ryan will be sworn in as the 47th US President. Self-described patriots will ask why it’s such a big deal to work for a foreign government wishing to subvert American democracy.
Bitcoin will hit a new record high valuation of $20,000 a bitcoin. British PM Rees-Mogg considers replacing the pound with the bitcoin as the official currency of the UK, despite warnings from investors that it will make payments of less than $20,000 nearly impossible. Tax avoiders praise bitcoin for the lack of transparency and accountability that it allows.
Avengers: Infinity Wars will feature strong people punching each other. Critics will describe Thanos’ appearance, after a 17-film build-up, as ‘unsurprisingly disappointing’ and observe that ‘he looks weird without his hat’.
Nigel Farage will watch England’s group stage exit from the World Cup alone in his kitchen. The pizza delivery guy will reject his offer to stay behind after his shift ends.
In a surprise result, the World Cup will be won by aliens from planet Nerdluck.
UKIP will launch a campaign to restore the British passport to a single sheet of card, as it was before the League of Nations imposed the hideous blue passport on Britain in 1920.
Infinity Wars Part II will end with a post-credits teaser for Patton Oswalt’s Marvel Crossover. It will feature the tagline ‘We can do this now that all the corporations are merging!’
Plans will be announced for a Wolverine v Indiana Jones crossover film.
US President Paul Ryan will introduce a law making it a treasonable offence to introduce new taxes, punishable by death.
As evidence mounts that he knew about former presidents Trump and Pence working with Russians in the 2016 election, and following disastrous results for the Republican Party in the 2018 mid-term elections, US President Paul Ryan will resign, as will Vice-President Lindsay Graham. Democrat Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi will be sworn in as the 48th US President.
British Prime Minister Jacob Rees-Mogg announces that the UK will pull out of the European Union without honouring previous legal and financial obligations. Given that this is effectively a refusal to obey previously agreed international treaties, several major nations announce that they no longer see trade agreements with Britain as being worth the paper they’re written on. The value of the pound plummets, food price and unemployment in Britain rise. The Prime Minister announces that increased levels of poverty and preventable death are worthwhile, for the sense of sovereignty British subjects feel as the bailiffs take away their possessions.
On his birthday Nigel Farage will stand alone in his kitchen, watching coverage of June 23rd 2016 on a VHS tape. If anyone were near they would hear him whispering “I won. That showed them. I won” over and over.
Evidence will emerge that Russia’s World Cup team were systematically doped, when several players are diagnosed with testosterone-related heart conditions. An official spokesman will deny the claim, arguing that it is impossible to have too much testosterone. The official line will be that results only prove that Russia has the manliest men in the world.
The first trailer for Quentin Tarantino’s Star Trek reveals that the plot will centre on John Travolta’s Captain Kirk chasing revenge against the Gorn who killed someone he met once, and artistically murdering hundreds of footsoldiers in order to do so.
The Han Solo solo film will be poorly received by fans and critics, who argue that Ron Howard’s narration is out of place. Particularly during the action scenes.
The value of bitcoin will continue to soar, hitting an all-time high of $25,000 a coin. ‘This bubble will never burst!’ proclaim supporters.
The Bitcoin bubble bursts.
With Manchester United 17th in the Premier League table, Jose Mourinho is sacked as manager. Mourinho argues that the low league position ‘just shows how well I did the previous two years’.
Vladimir Putin will be re-elected as Russian President. He will choose 92% as the official percentage of votes he receives.
US President Pelosi, unable to raise taxes and unable to hold one-on-one meetings with male subordinates, struggles in her early months. Plans to cut the military budget and redirect money elsewhere are opposed by opponents, who refer to her as a ‘naive peacenik’. To combat these charges, Pelosi declares war on Macedonia. Her approval ratings rise.
From his prison cell Donald Trump will threaten a nuclear strike on Hillary Clinton. Jared Kushner (his cell-mate) informs Trump that he can’t do that any more. Trump’s foul mood is satisfied when prison guards allow him to paint ‘TRUMP’ in giant letters on his cell wall.
In order to tackle Britain’s growing economic crisis, PM Rees-Mogg announces the reintroduction of feudalism.
Series 5 of Black Mirror is cancelled, with writer and executive producer Charlie Brooker announcing that “reality is just so weird that we can’t top it any more.”
Happy new year to everyone in 2018. Remember, however bad last year was, things can always get worse!