Comedy

Strangest Search Terms 3: The Last 18 Months

This will be the third in a series, in which I continue ripping off an idea from 101 Books. If a search term brought you here to my blog, I can see the phrase that brought you here. Obviously I can’t connect it to you personally, but this is a useful method to find what the people who turn up here want.
It also gives me the opportunity to laugh at the weird terms that led here.

It’s about eighteen months since I last wrote one of these, so a few weird search terms have built up in that time.

          there are downsides to looking this pretty samantha brick     
          daily mail samantha brick there are downsides to looking this pretty           
          samantha brick there are downsides to looking this pretty     
          samantha brick article there are downsides to looking this pretty      
          samantha bricks      

It’s now over two years since I wrote a piece about a ‘famous for being a bit of an idiot’ Daily Mail journalist turned celebrity TV contestant called Samantha Brick, but she keeps popping up. All of these are separate search terms, all near the top ranked of my search terms over the past year.

          neanderthal modern clothing

Unfortunately, I’ve not got pictures of this, but the idea does sound inherently hilarious. Neanderthals are from the distant past, but modern clothing isn’t – what an anachronism!

          how to make transformers paper bonecrusher

 But if you make the robots out of paper, then what’s the point of the movies? They’re only there to sell toys, you heartless parasite.

          graham westley spoof blog

 Graham Westley is a football manager who walked out as manager and owner of Farnborough for a better deal at Stevenage, allowing his former club to collapse; used a Daily Mail article to praise himself for turning around Preston’s ‘cancerous environment’ when they were on a run of 1 win in 12 and shortly before he was sacked; and texted players in the middle of the night to give them the team news and motivational messages. As far as I can tell, there is no Graham Westley spoof blog, but there should be plenty of material for it.

          robot dreams read by michael

It’s a good book – a collection of some of Isaac Asimov’s best robot stories. Unfortunately the recording I have of the stories being read is by a guy called Nicholas, so I can’t help out there.

          huddersfield prostitute

 I was hoping to keep my day job compartmentalised from the blog.

          wales from space

I’m choosing to assume that there’s meant to be a ‘h’ in there, and that this is some sort of cartoon where the whales talk, shoot ray guns and trade quips based on the species of each whale.

          early episodes of friends are better

 I definitely agree with this. And, like this searcher, I also like to type random things I believe into a search engine, just for the validation. Things like ‘blue smarties are the best smarties’ and ‘Picard is a better captain than Kirk’.

          sitcom slippers

 I also like to co-ordinate my clothing with the genre of TV programme I’m watching. I’ve got a nice scifi hat, and a great set of western socks.

          bananas behaving badly

Damn bananas. Constantly coming down the stairs, often in pairs.

          bear grylls slash rps fanfic

Bear Grylls is the host of a nature show, and slash fanfic is a genre that creates a romantic coupling between characters who don’t normally pair up in the show or book they’re in. RPS is a… rocket propelled shotgun? Is there a less disturbing option there?

          lego people with guns killing

 I’m not sure that this exists, but given the success of what Michael Bay’s done with the Transformers franchise, there may well be a dark and gritty live action reboot of this year’s cartoon movie just around the corner.

That is, unless the death of civilisation comes beforehand, which is a distinct possibility.

Comedy

A.A. Gill is A.A. Gill-iant

Today I’m bringing in a guest columnist, who is totally a real person and definitely not myself writing under an incredibly transparent pseudonym. As his views are out of step with what he terms ‘the mindlessly politically correct age’, he has asked to be able to hide his real name. Instead, I have assigned him a handle.

The Hateful Misanthrope’s Column

Recently, the masterfully wise AA Gill has pointed out the obvious fact that Mary Beard, presenter of Meet The Romans is too ugly to be on television, to which she, not knowing her place, has replied.
In case you’re not aware of AA Gill, think Jeremy Clarkson, only instead of cars, obsessed with being posh. And slightly more in love with himself, if that’s possible.
In the past he has described the Welsh as

“loquacious, dissemblers, immoral liars, stunted, bigoted, dark, ugly, pugnacious little trolls.”

Fantastic! That’s the kind of negative-minded vitriol I can get behind! What a man! What a mind!

Gill has said that Beard

“should be kept away from cameras altogether.”

And only right as well.
When I watch television, I don’t want to be educated. If you put something on the television which implies there are things out there that I don’t know, that makes me feel less intelligent. Instead, I prefer to assume that I know everything there is to know, and despise anyone who tries to tell me otherwise.

I don’t care if her face is warm and open, and helps convey her enthusiasm for her subject. That’s not what television’s for, and that’s not the point of women. Samantha Brick has got the right idea, she realises that the point of women is as decoration, and for us men to fantasise about. Television is about fantasies – the men and male characters on screen are for us to fantasise we are, and the women are there for us to fantasise about being with.
I often watch Bear Grylls, in order to fantasise about what it would be like to live in the wild. Mary Beard is not the kind of person I wish to be, and I certainly don’t wish to be WITH her, so why have her on television at all?

I’m now going to counter the obvious argument you’ll throw at me. You see, that’s how much cleverer than you I am – I can anticipate your argument and counter it before it’s even left your lips. I’m dead smart, I am – like Gill, Simon Cowell, or Piers Morgan.
Media types will talk about USPs, or Unique Selling Points. They will argue that being a Professor of Classics at Cambridge, or whatever that dreadful woman is, means she has access to a level of knowledge on her subject which very few can match.
Well, I say tosh.

I say that, regardless of how much knowledge and insight a person has to offer on a subject, they should be judged on their skin, hair, and clothing.
MEN run the world, and run it badly. That’s the natural order of things. Women are on this Earth to bear our children and keep the Human race going until our inevitable self-made annihilation.
Any woman who tries to learn things, (or any man who tries to run things competently) is going against the natural order of things, and should be knocked back.
Instead of having Beard wandering about the remnants of Rome’s Empire, perhaps they could have hired a reality TV star or daughter of a celebrity to ‘investigate’ something she knows nothing about, but which is obvious to the rest of us?
Maybe Amy Childs or Stacey Dooley ‘investigates’ Roman ruins, comes to realise that people must once have lived without central heating, and cries about how awful it must have been to always be cold.
She could go on a ‘journey’ that would be emotional and cathartic to the plebs, and would allow the rest of us to laugh at her and feel superior.

Samantha Brick, whose skin-deep obsessions fit her  into my ideal of how a woman should act, has argued that

“While there is no denying that Ms Beard is a supremely intelligent and fiercely ambitious woman, there is absolutely no chance of her becoming a successful broadcaster in prime-time slots on flagship TV channels.”

Exactly! There is absolutely no chance of her getting the sort of success she’s recently achieved.

She then compared viewing figures of Mary Beard’s Meet The Romans show to that of The Hairy Bikers’ Bakeathon and The 70s, which are completely fair, like for like comparisons.
I am hostile to learning, so I can’t be sure, but I assume that people will be alive who can look back fondly at Meet The Romans in the same way they do to nostalgia programmes like The 70s.
And any show which has the word ‘bakeathon’ in it’s title must be as intellectually challenging as a detailed historical programme. It certainly won’t the kind of personality driven tosh which often functions as background noise, which people drown out 55 minutes of the hour, before noticing a particularly beautiful looking meal and asking each other if they saw how it was made.

Ms Beard (I assume that no-one could marry her, for who could find her enthusiasm, intelligence, energy and warmth attractive enough to override the fact that she doesn’t wear nail varnish?) should be thrown off the air, and it is only right, in my brilliantly insightful and clearly correct opinion.

Comedy

Strangest Search Terms – November to April

One of the features of the WordPress dashboard is a list of the search terms that lead to the blog.
This means that if a search term brought you here, I can tell what you typed into Google, Yahoo or even Ask.com. Of course I could tell what you wanted anyway, as I’m an internet based telepath, but it’s interesting to see the terms people have used.
I’m planning to steal an idea I’ve seen over at 101 Books, and look at some search terms that the blog itself wasn’t able to match up. I’ll do what I can to help some of the people who were unfortunate enough to wash up on my shore when they had somewhere else to be, and try for a cheap laugh at some of the stranger terms.

no audience

No joke, this is one of the highest search term leading here. If it wasn’t enough that I don’t have much of an audience yet, I’m apparently most famous for not having an audience.

chinless people

Strange, but there’s always going to be one or two slightly unusual phrases turn up. Probably just a one off.

chinless

Oh.

michael bay is awful

I’m actually on the first page of results for this. Strange, I would have there’d be a lot of people talking about Michael Bay’s awfulness.
A tip for anyone looking to increase the number of hits to their blog – think of phrases you’d think would be fairly common, use Google to find the ones that aren’t, and use them as tags.

samantha beck daily mail

If she’s apparently trying to make a fortune out of being a windup merchant, saying the most outrageous things, I’m glad people are getting her name wrong. And I hope people continue to get Samantha Dreck’s name wrong.

did samantha brick

I’m afraid I don’t know, did she?

walking dead star trek

I’d not thought of it before, but that would make a great crossover. I’ve they use the current, young cast, they’ll have to give Scotty a cricket bat.

lego german men

What makes them German, specifically? Given the colour that they come in, I’m just glad people aren’t assuming they’re Chinese or Korean.

hartlepool united tall girl -ships

This seems like it’s two or three searches that got mixed up together.
A hint – delete the previous search before typing the new one.

chinless zombie

Not this again. Is this some sort of racial stereotype? Because if you’re a racist googler, I don’t think that racism’s very nice.

is warwick davis a jerk

I don’t think so. He was playing a jerk in Life’s Too Short, but seemed too nice to pull it off.

bananas behaving badly

Do they ever behave well? You turn your back for five minutes and they go all mushy.

chinless man

Okay, I’m going to deal with this.
Even though the people of NATION may look ridiculous, grouping them together is a little offensive. Yes, they do have that trait that is more developed than in people of other nations, but they are still people, and I’m sure there’d be one or two of your traits that make the same impression on them. One of the traits we, as outsiders, associate with the culture of NATION, in addition to their lack of chins, is their excessive spending/young workers in sweatshops/having stiff, unexpressive faces, but that doesn’t make them zombies.

https://noonebutabloghead.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/journalist.jpg

That’s a very specific search.

lego man sodger

I named my lego men with random sounds when I was growing up as well. I had a king Roshaff and a soldier called Elmff. Elmff took off his hair and put Roshaff’s crown on, and no-one could remember which one was which.

boyfriend chinless

Just because he’s your boyfriend, doesn’t mean you’re allowed to be (possibly) racist towards him.

awkwardness of sex

Should I be glad that whoever this was got here, or worried about my reputation?

tescos promotional mix

Is this their equivelant of Woolworths’ Pick n Mix?

there is still doubt

Or is there?

lego man in space moves web

Is this a really low-budget scifi epic? Perhaps our hero has to battle a giant spacespider, who has spun a web that’s trapping Earth’s spaceships inside. Can the spacemen overcome the nefarious Spacespiders, or will they conquer the Earth? Den den dern!

wooden lego man

Part of me thinks this may be two sentences combined. What’s that you say doc, I have to use a wooden leg? Oh man!

best crossbow for the money 2011

I love the thought that there’s people wanting to buy outdated and horrifically dangerous medieval weapons, but who still want to spend their money wisely.

are plumbers needed in qatar for the world cup

I don’t know, but if they were, looking on a random WordPress blog would be the best place to find out.

smokink pauos lesbies kom

I can’t be certain, but three of those four words appear to be potentially dirty words spelled badly. Did someone’s search for porn end in disappointment?

smokink lesbies pauos kom

If at first you don’t succeed, rearrange the exact same words, and try again.

no man but a bloghead

That might be someone searching specifically for me! I’m humbled, but also a little reluctant to believe.

chinless brit

Really? We’re still doing this?

essay valley of fear sherlock holmes

I think someone wanted their homework done for them.

wich order to read the sherlock holmes books

I’ve read the novels first, and then the first short story collection. The wikipedia page has the dates of publication if you’d prefer to read in order. But other than Moriarty, who I think appears twice, and some mentions of Watson’s love life made in passing, they’re all stand alone stories, so pretty much any order works.

suits eternal law noonebutabloghead

More than one! I’m popular!

“satire is often described”

Yes, I’m sure it is.

why do cats stare out the window

Why do raindrops fall downward?

“rachel’s arms” “ross”

If I ever own a pub, I’m going to call it The Rachel’s Arms.
Well, I probably won’t, but I’ll recall the time it seemed like a good idea.

warwick davis nice guy?

Warwick Davis yes nice guy.

caroline aherne email address

I’m afraid I don’t have that, but I do have her phone number. Will that do?

spaceship with no background

That’s the way you want them. If your spaceship comes with a background, it’s as good as useless.

lego man killing man

Did he jump down his throat?

a rap about the queen of england

That sounds awesome.

warwick davis seems nice

I thought so as well.

pretty article

Unfortunately there’s only ugly articles here. And lots and lots of links.

in what year is the valley of fear set

Most of the Sherlock Holmes stories are set around the end of the 19th century, and early 20th, though I’m not totally sure on the years.
Holmes’ section of the Valley of Fear is set before Reichenbach Falls, and there’s a flashback section within the story.
So in short, I don’t know.

what happen when log into a domain

I recognise those words as vaguely internetty, but I’ve got no idea if that means anything. Sorry.

over thinking song lyrics

Does this count as a search for me? Unfortunately there appears to be a song called ‘Overthinking’, so probably not.

samantha flirt at work

That sounds like a line of a really inappropriate children’s book – ‘Flirt at work, Samantha, flirt at work!’

first meeting of the fa satire

Is this a request? There’s definitely potential there.

i liked eternal law

So did I!

where can i get the italian football lower leagues

Italy seems a good place to start?

warwick davis is an asshole.

No, we’ve already agreed he’s a nice guy.
I like how the searcher googles in complete sentences.

“why men wear panties”

This is worrying.

i will stand on my ground even you try to out me down

You might have been searching for Tom Petty’s ‘I Won’t Back Down’?
If so, the line is apparently ‘I will stand my ground, and I won’t back down’.

women looking throw the window

Throw it! Take it out and throw it!

mother of all inventions mockmentary

That mockumentary is here, but doesn’t seem to be very highly rated. Does sound like an interesting idea though.

“also like to draw your attention towards an interview on born offside with mark mcallister, the ‘video coach’ for”

What an oddly specific search. As a coincedence, I happen to have written a blog entry using that exact phrase!

stare at the window

Don’t stare out of it, stare at the glass itself.

keep calm and kill zombies

Always good advice.

hunedoara castle wikipedia

Apparently this is the home of Dracula. I don’t know how you got here, but I’ve learned something today, so thank you.

protagonist of the valley of fear

That would be Sherlock Holmes, or Jack McMurdo, if you’re looking for the slightly less well known protagonist.

favorite lower league english football teams

First of all, it’s good to see Americans show an interest in the English lower leagues.
And to answer your question, that would be Hartlepool United. They are everyone’s favourite lower league English football team.

liamneeson really on twitter

I don’t think so, but based on that documentary he did with Ricky Gervais and Warwick Davis, I’d really like to hear his comedy stylings.

travie mccoy on the voice 4/3/2012

I’ll have to make sure not to watch it then.

chinless person

And with that, I think I’m done.

Comedy

Samantha Brick’s ‘Downsides to Looking This Pretty’ Article – The Unseen First Draft

An article written by Samantha Brick in the Daily Mail has been trending widely on Twitter over the last few days.
In it she makes the perfectly reasonable assertion that all women, everywhere, are jealous of women more attractive than themselves.
The Guardian, a leftwing, holier-than-thou hate rag, has claimed that the Daily Mail stitched her up, making her look deluded in order to attract outrage and hits.
However, this is not the case, as shown by the first draft submitted to the editor, which here at noonebutabloghead, we’ve been able to exclusively gain access to.

On a recent flight to New York, I was delighted when a stewardess came over and gave me a glass of champagne.
‘You get a complimentary glass here in first class,’ she claimed, but I knew she was fibbing. I knew the truth was that the captain had somehow seen me, and paid to get me drunk from his own, limited pilot’s salary.
Even so, you’re probably thinking ‘what a lovely surprise’. But while it was lovely, it wasn’t a surprise. At least, not for me.

Purple: But not every woman can have Samantha’s natural sense of style and relaxed demeanour

Throughout my adult life, I’ve regularly had bottles of bubbly or wine sent to my restaurant table by men I don’t know, while I sat there giggling loudly and pushing my bosom out.
Once, a well-dressed chap bought my train ticket when I was standing behind him in the queue. I didn’t even want to go to Leeds, but felt obligated by his ‘kindness’.
There was another occasion when a charming gentleman paid my fare as I stepped out of a cab in Paris. Sure, this was my husband, but would he have even been there were I not so overwhelmingly gorgeous?
Another time, as I was walking through London’s Portobello Road market, I was tapped on the shoulder and presented with a beautiful bunch of flowers. Even bar tenders frequently shoo my credit card away when, drunkenly, I try to settle my bill for the fourth time in a row.

And whenever I’ve asked what I’ve done to deserve such treatment, the donors of these gifts have always said the same thing: my pleasing appearance and pretty smile made their day.
While I’m no Elle Macpherson, I’m tall, slim, blonde and, so I’m often told, a good-looking woman. I know how lucky I am. But there are downsides to being pretty — the main one being that other women hate me for no other reason than my lovely looks and my insistence on talking about them.

If you’re a woman reading this, I’d hazard that you’ve already formed your own opinion about me — and it won’t be very flattering. Flirt. Egomaniac. Wind-up Merchant. Little better than a prostitute in taking so many gifts, while still having the gall to complain about it all.
For while many doors have been opened (metaphorically) as a result of my looks, just as many have been literally slammed in my face — leaving me unable to smile naturally.

I’m not smug and I’m no flirt, yet over the years I’ve been dropped by countless friends who felt threatened if I merely rubbed my long, manicured fingers against the arms of their other halves. If their partners dared to actually talk to me, a sudden chill would descend on the room as soon as I politely giggled and tossed my hair in response to their bad jokes.

Taken: Samantha with her French husband Pascal Rubinat. Ten years her senior, he takes great pride in having successfully kidnapped and inspired Stockholm syndrome in such a beautiful woman

And it is not just jealous wives who have frozen me out of their lives. Insecure female bosses have also barred me from promotions at work.
And most poignantly of all, not one girlfriend has ever asked me to be her bridesmaid.
You’d think we women would applaud each other for taking pride in our appearances.
I work at mine — I don’t drink or smoke, I work out, even when I don’t feel like it, and very rarely succumb to chocolate. I often turn up to work late, having taken the time to do things properly in the morning, and regularly stop working during the day to reapply my makeup and lipstick.
Unfortunately women find nothing more annoying than someone else being the most attractive girl in a room.

Take last week, out walking the dogs a neighbour passed by in her car. I waved — she blatantly blanked me, deciding to prioritise swerving out of the way of a drunken cyclist. Yet this is someone whose sons have stayed at my house, and who has been welcomed into my home on countless occasions.
I approached a mutual friend and discreetly enquired if I’d made a faux pas. It seems the only crime I’ve committed is not leaving the house with a bag over my head. (When she tried to suffocate me, I’d taken it as a joke.) She doesn’t like me, I discovered, because she views me as a threat. The friend pointed out she is shorter, heavier and older than me. I wouldn’t comment on such a thing, but my friend pointed out that she is also badly dressed, haggard, and has blotched skin.

Blushing bride: Samantha laments that not one of her girlfriends has ever asked her to be a bridesmaid, inspiring the expression on the right each time she finds out she’s been overlooked AGAIN

And, according to our mutual friend, she is adamant that something could happen between her handsome husband and me, ‘were the right circumstances in place’. She added that I ‘never stop going on about how great I look’ and that I ‘always go over the top to look good, instead of just putting on a sweater and old jeans to walk the dog, like a normal person’.
Yet I’m happily married, and have been for the past four years.

This isn’t the first time such paranoia has gripped the women around me. In my early 20s, when I first started in television as a researcher, one female boss in her late 30s would regularly invite me over for dinner after a long day in the office.
I always accepted her invitation, as during office hours we got along famously. But one evening her partner was at home. We were all a couple of glasses of wine into the evening. Then he and I said we both liked the song we were listening to.
She laid into her bewildered partner for ‘fancying’ me, then turned on me, calling me unrepeatable names before ridiculing me for dying my hair and wearing lipstick. Rather than putting this down to her being tipsy and laying into her husband during a rough point in her marriage, I decided this was all about me, me, me, and declined any further invitations.

Therapist Marisa Peer, author of self-help guide Ultimate Confidence, says that women have always measured themselves against each other by their looks rather than achievements — and it can make the lives of the good-looking very difficult.
‘Many of my clients are models, yet people are always astounded when I explain they don’t have it easy,’ she says. ‘If you are attractive other women think you lead a perfect life — which simply isn’t true. Obviously modelling – as a hyper-competitive industry where success is primarily based on looks, parallels directly with a normal working environment, which I assume must be exactly the same,’ Marisa added. It was a comfort being in the company of a woman not so deeply intimidated by my looks.
‘Normal women – ‘ Marisa also uses the technical term *uggers* ‘don’t realise you are just as vulnerable as they are. It’s hard when everyone resents you for being the kind of person who submits articles to a national newspaper about your own stunning looks. Men think “what’s the point, she’ just keep whinging about how tough she has it” and don’t ask you out. And women don’t want to hang out with someone more attractive than they are.’

Hard work: It’s not easy to write articles this good while making sure to smile for a passing camera

I certainly found that out the hard way, particularly in the office.
One contract I accepted was blighted by a jealous female boss. It was the height of summer and I’d opted to wear knee length, cap-sleeved dresses. They were modest, yet pretty; more Kate Middleton than Katie Price.
But my boss pulled me into her office and informed me my dress style was distracting her male employees. I didn’t dare point out that there were other women in the office wearing similar attire.
Rather than argue, I worked out the rest of my contract wearing baggy, sombre-coloured trouser suits. It was clear that when you have a female boss, it’s best to let them shine, but when you have a male boss, it’s a different game: I have written in the Mail on how I have flirted to get ahead at work, something I’m sure many women do. (You may have noticed that I said that ‘I’m no flirt’ just a few hundred words higher, but here at The Daily Mail we prefer to treat our readers like idiots. It’s our policy to report ‘news’ about how everything either causes or cures cancer; bitchily criticise celebrity culture while wallowing in it; and in general push brazen hypocrisy as far as it can go.)

Women, however, are far more problematic. With one phenomenally tricky boss, I eventually managed to carve out a positive working relationship. But a year in, her attitude towards me changed; the deterioration began when she started to put on weight, and, if anything, picked up speed when I gently teased her about it.
We were both employed by a big broadcasting company. One of our male UK chiefs recommended I take the company’s global leadership course, which meant doors would have opened for me around the world.
All I needed were two personal recommendations to be eligible. As everyone in the office agreed I was good at my job, I didn’t think this would be a problem.

The male executive signed the paperwork without hesitation, while I sat on the edge of his desk, playfully swinging my legs girlishly. However, my immediate boss refused to sign. When I asked her right-hand woman why, she pulled me to one side and explained that my boss was jealous of me.
Things between us rapidly deteriorated. Whenever I wore something new she’d sneer at me in front of other colleagues that she was the star, not me.

Six months later I handed in my notice. Privately she begged me to stay, blaming the nasty comments on her hormones. She was in her early 40s and confided she was having marital problems. But by then I’d decided to treat this woman – clearly a slightly vain woman going through the worst period in her personal life – as typical of all women, at all points in their lives, in all circumstances.

Forced out: While Samantha has used her beauty to her advantage by flirting at work, she says that her looks being held against her is, like, totally unfair

I find that older women are the most hostile to beautiful women — perhaps because they feel their own bloom fading. How dare they focus their thoughts on their own lives, rather than how it affects me?
Because my husband is ten years older than me, his social circle is that bit older too. As a Frenchman, he is pleasantly superficial, and takes great pride in hearing other men declare that I’m a beautiful woman and always tells me to laugh off bitchy comments from other women.

Yet I dread the inevitable sarky comments. ‘Here she comes. We’re in the village hall yet Sam’s dressed for the Albert Hall,’ was one I recently overheard. Rather than treat these as playful teasing, or make some self-depreciating comment to ease my friend’s insecurities, I slapped her. Slapped that bitch hard.

But even these ploys don’t always work. Take last summer and a birthday party I attended with my husband. At one point the host, who was celebrating his 50th, decided he wanted a photo with all the women guests. Positioning us, the photographer suggested I stand immediately to his right for the shot.
Another woman I barely knew pushed me out of the way, shouting it wasn’t fair on all the other women if I was dominating the snap. I was devastated and burst into tears. How dare someone else steal MY limelight? Does being the host’s wife automatically entitle her to stand near him?
On my own in the loos one woman privately consoled me — well out of ear-shot of her girlfriends.
So now I’m 41 and probably one of very few women entering her fifth decade welcoming the decline of my looks. I can’t wait for the wrinkles and the grey hair that will help me blend into the background. I dye my hair blonde, make sure my nail varnish is always perfectly applied, wear stylish clothing every minute of the waking day. But rather than easing off on one or more of these things, I wait for the day nature will slowly erode my innate superiority.
Perhaps then the sisterhood will finally stop judging me so harshly on what I look like, and instead hate me for the self-centred egomaniac I am.